Walking Out

Going to the movie theater is usually a risk. There are very few movies that you know unequivocally will be good. Other than The Dark Knight, I can't think of another movie in the last six months that I had no doubt about. Even Iron Man, one of the best movies of the year, had me a little worried that it wouldn't live up to expectations. This risk has reduced the number of trips we've made to the movie theater significantly over the past couple years. When we do head out to the theater it is often to Riverview Theater, which plays second run movies for three dollars, or St. Anthony Main, which has a student rate of $5.50. St. Anthony Main is one of the main reasons I've held onto my student ID. The last movie I recall paying full price for was The Strangers at the Mall of America. Since dropping twenty-one dollars to see a movie less frightening than the Care Bears, we have not paid full price for a movie other than The Dark Knight. It is much easier to sit through Baby Mama when you pay a total of twelve dollars for two tickets, a large soda, and a medium popcorn. I used to think Riverview's prices made it easy to sit through any piece of garbage Hollywood churned out. This notion was challenged one Saturday night when Laura and I took the risk and and saw Step Brothers at Riverview.

Step Brothers had some promise. It was written and directed by the same man who wrote and directed Anchorman, one of the funniest movies of the last five years. The two stars, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, have starred in numerous hilarious movies, most recently the little seen Walk Hard. The concept of two grown men being forced to co-exist under one roof as step brothers was something new that would present the actors with funny situations. All this promise never materialized on screen as humor was non-existent and the characters were excruciatingly annoying. The movie seemed to think the audience would find two forty year old men acting like juveniles funny. It wasn't. We weren't the only ones not laughing in the theater. It was fairly silent except for a couple of meat heads who laughed at every misguided, moronic joke. After forty-five minutes of one of the most painful movie viewing experiences I have had, I asked Laura if she wanted to leave. A quick "Yes" was all I needed as we stood up and walked out halfway through the movie. It was the first time I had ever walked out of a movie before it was finished, and I couldn't have been happier.

A movie has to be pretty unenjoyable for me to walk out on it. I've watched so many awful movies throughout my life yet I've always sat through until the very end. I don't know what it was about Step Brothers that I couldn't handle. Perhaps my tolerance for dick and fart jokes is starting to wear thin. Perhaps I was expecting to much and should have gone into the movie with lesser expectations. It was late on a Saturday night, so maybe I felt like sleeping was a better alternative. Whatever the reason, I will never forget Step Brothers for being my first walk out. I can't help but be a little angry that I wasted my money on less than an hour of entertainment that was by no means entertaining. Paying to see a movie is a risk. It's a risk I used to take a couple times a month. With Netflix, the internet, and cable providing ample amounts of movies, it's a risk I might only take on special occasions. I'll use my twenty dollars to buy a case of Premium and watch whats on one of the ten HBO's we get.

Baseball Is Over

What's a man to do when his two favorite sports teams are eliminated from the postseason in the span of a week? Sob uncontrollably. Drink heavily. Eat continuously. It was a rough week. At least the Brewers made it to October and won a game. Its much better being a Brewers fan today than a Cubs fan. The Cubs have lost nine straight playoff games dating back to the infamous Steve Bartman series in 2003. Give it up Cub fans, they will never win the World Series. Be happy you can go to numerous day games at a classic ballpark that serves one of the finest beers on tap, Old Style. Teams should schedule more day games. Cutting out of work or class to go to a ballgame is a staple of summer. Throw in a few beers and some sunny seventy degree weather and you have a perfect day. I envy you Cub fans. For the day games. Not the hundred years of losing. I'll pass on that.

It's been more than two weeks since the Twins lost the one game playoff to the White Sox and it still drives me into fits of mumbling and under-breath talking. If theres one team in sports I despise over all others it's the Packers. That will never change. Stems from my childhood. Irrevocable damage. After the Packers, it's the Wisconsin Badgers. Raised a Michigan fan, went to Minnesota, and Badger fans are often Packer fans. Guilty by association. After the Badgers, its any intramural softball team with a team name such as "Winning Team", "Champions", or "Future Title Holders". It's always sweet when they are ten run ruled by the third inning. After arrogant softball teams, it's the White Sox. This mainly stems from them winning the World Series in 2005, A.J. Pierzynski, a former Twin, being the cheating bastard that he is, and them being a thorn in the Twins side every single year. No team in the AL Central consistently challenges the Twins every year like the White Sox do. The Royals haven't been good in years. The Tigers had one good season recently and look to be on the decline again. The Indians are up and down seemingly every year. Only the White Sox seem to hang around every year and make a pest of themselves. Losing 1-0 to them in the playoff was soul crushing. The Twins barely put up a fight. Thankfully the Rays made us feel better by beating the Sox in Chicago. Watching A.J. stare out of the dugout at the Rays celebrating their victory was a perfect way for the White Sox season to end.

I'll watch some of the remaining playoff games and root for the Rays to pull off one of the most unlikely seasons in recent baseball memory. Ten straight seasons of losing followed by a World Series win would be pretty astonishing. Much of the luster, though, is gone. I love baseball and will be interested to see what happens. Just not that interested. Now comes five months of offseason wheeling and dealing. 2008 was a good year for the Twins and Brewers. 2009 should be even better. Time to hibernate. Wake me when it's March.

The Whole Enchilada

After 162 games, the AL Central Division title is still up in the air. The White Sox beat Detroit yesterday to pull even with the Twins and force a one game playoff tonight in Chicago. The odds are against the Twins as playing away from the Metrodome has been difficult. The Twins went 2-7 against the Sox at U.S. Cellular Field. All of those games occurred during the first half of the season when the Twins were a different baseball team. Livan Hernandez was still in the rotation giving up seven hits an inning. Our designated hitter was Craig Monroe. He compiled a robust .202 average and .274 OBP before being cut. Mike Lamb was playing third base. He will be best remembered for the great lumberjack beard he grew while riding the pine. Carlos Gomez was the leadoff hitter while Denard Span and Alexi Casilla were down in the minors. It's a new team walking into The Cell that walked out in June after a four game sweep. Those games are a distant memory and the Twins only need to think about the sweep they just pulled off last week against the Sox. Expect a dramatic, wild night in the Windy City. Hopefully Ozzie Guillen will have some new expletive filled quotes in the paper tomorrow. Good things happen when Ozzie's drops some f-bombs.

CC Sabathia is the best pitcher in baseball. 26 years of agony are over because of his left arm. For the first time in my life I get to watch the Brewers in the playoffs. 2:00 tomorrow afternoon, Game 1 vs. the Phillies in Philadelphia. Sit in front of a TV, grab a beer, a sausage, and enjoy the ride. It might not happen for another quarter of a century.

Inner City Pressure

Getting away from the Twin Cities for a weekend is glorious. Between the constant noise, stifling traffic, and shear number of narcissistic, self-centered people roaming the streets, its nice to get a break from it all. It's even better when that break involves golfing at one of the premier courses in Wisconsin. Just outside of Hayward, a quaint little city with only two thousand residents, lies a superb course nestled in the beautiful Wisconsin countryside. Designed by Pete Dye, one of the best course designers in golf history, Big Fish Golf Club is the best golfing experience to be found in Northern Wisconsin and one of the best bargains in the Midwest. Golf is horribly expensive. There are numerous items one has to pony up some money for. Clubs, balls, tees, gloves, green fees, cart rentals, beer, novelty club covers, goofy hats that come with a free bowl of soup, etc. Playing a decent course can easily cost someone near a hundred dollars for eighteen holes. Big Fish is of the quality that it could charge that much. If Big Fish was in a suburb of the Cities, it could easily cost near a hundred dollars. Thankfully it is instead situated near Hayward where things move a little slower and cost a little less. Eighteen holes and a cart costs a man only fifty nine dollars. If I was in better shape, wasn't lazy, and didn't want to drink, I could have paid forty two dollars and hoofed it all afternoon. Getting to play one of the top new golf courses in America for that rate seems almost criminal. That's why after our round on Friday we went back for seconds the next day instead of playing nearby Hayward National. We could have saved some money and played a lesser course, but when high quality golf is available at a cheap price you have to take the opportunity. I surprisingly didn't embarrass myself on the course with nine hole scores of 49, 51, 51, and 50. For the first and probably only time playing a serious round of golf in 2008, I was pretty satisfied. Big Fish, I hope to be seeing you again next year. I'll be ready to get the hell out of this concrete jungle and relax myself on the fairways, watching the colors of the Wisconsin wilderness slowly changing.

-Baseball Update: Twins stand 1.5 games back of the White Sox with five remaining. Tonight and tomorrow will make or break the season as the two teams square off in the Dome. Laura and I will be there tonight for our last Twins game of the season. Lets end on a high note.

The Brewers stand one game back of the Wild Card leading Mets with five games to play. After a dramatic win against the Pirates last night, the momentum should be with the Brewers. All they can do is win out and hope for the Mets to falter. It's been a tough September for the Brewers but they can erase the bad memories with a solid final week. It's hard to do but we all have to be Cubs fans tonight and tomorrow. And then never again.

-I'm a sucker for cheesy horror movies. Some people like romantic comedies. Others like slapstick comedies. I like horror movies. With that said, I thoroughly enjoyed Prom Night, the recent remake of the 1980's slasher movie. It has cheesy dialogue, bad acting, and the characters do everything a smart person wouldn't do. Yet it is entertaining as hell. If you like horror movies, check it out. If you like Made of Honor, you have awful taste in movies. I am a movie snob and elitist. I make no apologies for it.

-Take that Europe! We are better than you at golf! A southern boy named Boo who did the Happy Gilmore dance shellacked some of your top players. He can't even speak proper English. Beating the British, a great American past time.

-Arsenal top of the Premier League by one point over Chelsea and Liverpool. That was specifically for you Karl.

Optimism Waning, Pessimism Rising

Who fires their manager with only twelve games remaining in the season? Only the 2008 Milwaukee Brewers in the history of baseball. After starting September by losing eleven of fourteen games and falling into a tie for the Wild Card with the Phillies, the Brewers decided to relieve Ned Yost of his managing duties. After managing the Brewers through 150 games to a 83-67 record, the Brewers didn't trust him to lead the team for twelve more games. Once again, Yost managed 150 games! ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY. With so little left in the season, Yost should have gotten the opportunity to motivate his team, finish the season strong, and hopefully take the Wild Card. It will be interesting to see how the players react to the firing. Perhaps Yost was well liked by his players and his firing will motivate the players to go on and make the postseason for their fallen manager. Or the firing will completely demoralize the players and the team will crumble with out their beloved manager. I'm hoping that the team did not have a strong liking for Yost and his sacking will enable the team to finish strong. If the Brewers fail to make the playoffs, the firing of Yost will be questioned for a long time. It will not be easy for the Brew Crew as they play the Cubs six more times. CC steps onto the mound tonight and needs to have the best outing of his short Brewers career. The Brewers have never made the playoffs during my life. End the collective misery of Brewers fans everywhere and finish the job that Ned Yost won't be allowed to do.

That other baseball team I like is still hanging around the AL playoff race but also find themselves in a precarious position. The Twins trail the White Sox by a game and a half having played an extra game. If we give the Sox a win in that extra game, the Twins stand two games back with twelve remaining for both teams. As I've written before, the Twins can't be farther back than two games when the Sox come to town on September 23rd. Therefore we all need to be Yankees and Royals fans this week as the Sox visit both teams. The Sox are ripe for a losing streak. After having games postponed on Friday and Saturday due to rain, the Sox played a doubleheader on Sunday. They immediately had to fly out to New York to play last night and lost. The Yankees are in the midst of their final homestand at Yankee Stadium. They will play their hearts out to close out the stadium on a positive note. They do not have a day game on Thursday so they will not leave New York until late Thursday night, hopefully making them tired for their opener in Kansas City on Friday. The White Sox also have the headache of figuring out when to makeup a game against the Tigers. All of these issues could compound and cause the White Sox to crumble and be ripe for a sweep when they visit the Metrodome. Optimism, it's a wonderful thing. I can delude myself into thinking crazy things.

One of these teams has to make the playoffs. It has been the best baseball season of my life and it would be heartbreaking and bad for my mental health if neither team makes it to October. If you don't want to see me in pain throughout October, you will cheer for the Brewers and Twins. The joyfulness I will feel if both teams make the playoffs will be so powerful that it will radiate out in waves and make all the people within a mile radius happier. Cheering for my teams won't just help me. It will help all mankind.

Slowly Slipping Away

Over the past week, the Twins finished their arduous fourteen game roadtrip with a shellacking in Toronto. The Twins needed to win two of three in Toronto to finish five hundred on the road trip. They were swept and finished 5-9 on their travels. Somehow the Twins found themselves only a game and a half out of first after the roadtrip. Coming home to play the underachieving Tigers and the always awful Royals, the Twins were primed for a good homestand and a chance to regain first in the central. The homestand started well with a win on Friday night. It turned out to be the highpoint of a painful weekend for Twins fans.

Saturday afternoon was going splendidly. Laura and I found a new couch for our living room, we rented a U-haul for Sunday to pick it up, and our rearranging of the apartment was going smoothly. We took a break to watch The Wire (Best. Show. Ever.) and the last couple innings of the Twins game. When we switched the Twins game on, Scott Baker was throwing a gem, allowing only two runs through seven innings with a low pitch count. Going into the eighth inning, the Twins held a 4-2 lead. Not an insurmountable lead, but one I felt confident in handing over to the bullpen. Baker came out for the beginning of the eighth and left after recording one out and putting a man on first. Dennys Reyes, the lefty specialist, came in to face Curtis Granderson. His only job was to get Granderson out and his day would be done. His third pitch to Granderson was hit over the baggy in right field for a two run homerun. With the game tied 4-4, Matt Guerrier came in and preceded to give up another two run homerun. By the time Jessie Crain finished off the Tigers in the eighth, the Twins were losing 6-4. The game ended that way as the Twins couldn't muster any runs in the eighth or ninth. The weak bullpen was on display again wasting a quality outing by a starting pitcher. It was a bad loss, but the Twins had a Sunday matinee date with the Tigers to win the series.

Sunday afternoon was stressful. The new furniture we bought wouldn't fit through our doorway. We took the door off it's hinges and pushed with all our might until the couch slid into our apartment. It was quite the battle and there are scars on the walls to commemorate the struggle. After dropping off the U-Haul we needed to sit down, relax, and crack open a beer. We made it back home at the beginning of the sixth inning. The Twins were leading 4-2 and Glen Perkins was still pitching. As soon as we sat down and got comfortable, things went to hell. Perkins was knocked around and the Tigers scored three runs to take the lead 5-4. Organizing the apartment seemed like a better idea than watching more of the game. I'm still a terrible jinx and I figured not watching the rest of the game would work in the Twins favor. My optimism was soon crushed as the Tigers added on two more runs in the top of the seventh. My optimism was finally put out of its misery in the bottom of the seventh when Morneau and Kubel drove in only one run with men on base. I knew not to expect a comeback with the feeble bats of Punto and Gomez coming up. The Twins lost the game 7-5 and lost the series, a poor homecoming after such an ugly roadtrip.

The Twins stand two and a half games behind the White Sox for the division title going into tonights game with the Royals. The Wild Card is out of the question as the Red Sox have been white hot lately and hold a sizable cushion over the Twins. After the three game set versus the Royals the Twins hit the road once again for a ten game road trip. They play winnable games against the Orioles and Indians, but face a tough test with four games against the Rays. After the roadtrip the Twins return home to face the White Sox and Royals for three games each to end the season. When the White Sox come to town, the Twins can not be more than two games back in the standings. It is hard to demand a sweep of the White Sox, but that will be necessary if the Twins are more than two games back. I have faith in the Twins and will continue to be optimistic. It has been a great season that has gone above and beyond my expectations for this team. If they make the playoffs, it will be a great achievement for a young team and a great sign for the future. If they don't, we'll run Jessie Crain and Matt Guerrier out of town with pitchforks and torches. We'll run Crain all the way back to Canada.

CC's Near No-No

Any chance I have of watching the Brewers on television is one I jump at. I love them as much as I love the Twins and wish I could have both teams every game at my disposal. Alas, I can't justify spending more money on sports television when I already pay extra for the Fox Soccer Channel. Being able to watch nearly 14o of the Twins games is pretty good. On Sunday, Laura and I went to Menomonie to do some preparing for our upcoming nuptials. If you didn't know, now you know. We are engaged. After checking out the church and possible reception areas, I stopped at a computer on the UW-Stout campus to check the Brewers game. It was in the bottom of the sixth and CC Sabathia was throwing a one hitter. Laura graciously let me check out of further wedding planning and return to her parents house to watch CC pitch against the Pirates. He ended up pitching a gem. A complete game shutout with eleven strikeouts and one measly hit. Or was it a hit?

In the bottom of the fifth inning, Andy LaRoche led off the inning with a little dribbler back to CC. What should have been a routine play for CC ended with him missing the ball as he went to barehand it. LaRoche made it to first and the decision was now up to the official scorer to call it a hit or an error. Not surprisingly, the play was called a hit and CC lost his no-hitter in the fifth inning. The home team almost always gets the benefit of the doubt on close plays. After extensive replays showed CC most likely would have been able to throw out LaRoche if he had fielded the ball cleanly, the announcers became increasingly agitated throughout the game as CC finished off his complete game without allowing another hit. The cameras even showed the official scorer in his booth while the announcers lambasted him. I felt a little bit bad for the scorer as everyone makes mistakes, especially in baseball scoring. Thankfully CC took it all in stride during his post game interview as he was just happy to win the game for his team.

In hindsight, yes, the play probably should have been ruled an error. The replays seem to show that LaRoche was a long ways away from first base when CC was attempting to pick up the ball. If the pick was made cleanly, CC would have thrown him out. The Brewers are attempting to have the ruling overturned and give CC a retroactive no-hitter. This would be the wrong decision. The problem with going back and giving him a no-hitter is when the play in question occurred. The bottom of the fifth is only half way through a ballgame. Who knows how the Pirates would have approached late inning at bats if they knew CC was on a no-hitter. By the final two innings, the Pirates were well out of the game. With a hit on the board, they didn't have much to play for. Everything would have been different in the last two innings if CC had a no-hitter going. No team wants to be no-hit. The Pirates could have easily put forth extra effort in those last two innings just to deny the Brewers having only their second no-hitter in their existence.

It would be the wrong decision for MLB to award CC with a no-hitter. CC was phenomenal on Sunday and it would have been a great exclamation point to add to this already wonderful Brewers season. A retroactive no-hitter would seem hollow and make the Brewers out to be whiners. Milwaukee should take the disappointment in stride and focus on making the playoffs for the first time in 25 years. That would be the ultimate exclamation point to finish the season.

Twins Update: 5-6 so far on 14 game road trip. Starting the final leg tonight in Toronto, the Twins need to win two of three to finish 7-7 on the trip, exactly what I hoped for. Currently tied with the Sox for first in the Central, the last month is going to be a nail biter. Every game is crucial.

Republicans Invade!

Over the glorious Labor Day weekend the Twin Cities was awash with humanity. Three separate events drew in thousands of people to congest our fair streets and test the metro's collective patience. The least aggravating of the three events was move in at the U of M. Having moved in or out of housing seven times over the last five years, I understand the difficulties a move causes and the stress it puts on the participants. It's not much fun when the basement of your new house has just flooded and you have nowhere to put all your roommates possessions that he left for you to move in while he was studying abroad. My own moving experiences gave me patience on Labor Day when I was maneuvering around trailers and trucks parked in the middle of streets in Dinkytown. College students and parents, I know your pain. Continue moving your futon and mini-fridges. Patiently managing the streets of the Como neighborhood was better than hitting the highways and running into the always fun State Fair traffic.

I enjoy the Minnesota State Fair. The food is greasy, fatty, and delicious. Can't get hot dish on a stick anywhere else. There is no better place to sit and watch people. Much better than the mall. Some quality music acts grace the main stage. Sculptures made out of butter are on display. And you can watch a live birth. An animal live birth. Which is equally as disturbing. Sure, it may cost an arm and a leg for admission and the food. You just have to know going in that you will drop forty dollars on food and leave ten pounds heavier. But you will still feel good about yourself as there is always some four hundred pound man with a turkey leg in one hand and a deep fried Oreo in the other. Thank you Billy Ray from Pine City (Greden shoutout!) for gorging yourself at the fair. You always make me feel better. I have nothing against the State Fair except for the traffic it causes. The highways are busy at all times of the day. The exits nearest the fairgrounds are backed up onto the highway. Around the fairgrounds traffic is slow and congested as people search for that perfect parking spot. Clovis and Raylenne from Brainerd are intimidated by the big city and drive fifteen miles under the speed limit. Thank god for Metro Transit that has numerous free park and rides shuttling people to and from the fair. They make all the difference in keeping the roads drivable, if not enjoyable. It was nice to have you State Fair goers, you weren't the worst visitors. Now hit the treadmill before you come back next year.

Of all the visitors to the Twin Cities over the weekend, the worst were the thousands of Republicans converging on our quiet little metro for the Republican National Convention. There are three reasons why they are the worst of all the visitors. One: they are Republicans. Were a pretty liberal area and we'd like to keep it that way. Two: they're here until Thursday. It's not like the State Fair visitors or parents moving in their kids who hang around maybe for one night. The Republicans have been here for a couple days and they're going to be here for a couple more. Kind of like relatives that overstay their visit but you have to be nice and let them stay. Three: They rushed the 35W bridge completion for the RNC to make traveling easier for all the incoming Republicans. The bridge is not complete. They decided not to put a lightrail on the bridge as it would take longer. The lightrail will now be built on Washington Ave. in the heart of the U of M. This will cause horrible traffic around the U of M. Laura works at the U of M and we still go to places in that area frequently. We are not looking forward to the future of driving around the U. Indirectly, I blame this on the Republicans. That may not be fair, but I don't care. I will be thrilled when the RNC is over on Thursday night and the city will be purged of all its visitors. I know it will be good for the economy of the Twin Cities as all the old, white people go out and paint the town red. Just don't expect me out and about till Friday.

Hold on, there is one positive thing about the Republicans invading: The bars are open until four in the morning. I can get up at 2:30, shower and shave, dress for work, and go to a bar for a little pre-work pick me up. Work would probably be a hell of a lot more fun that way.

I'm voting for Obama. It's time for some new blood. And someone without tiny dinosaur arms.

Go Away Football

Unfortunately for me, the college football season starts this weekend. Even worse, the NFL will begin the following week. This means that ESPN will start filling ninety percent of their lineup with football. Actually, they've been doing that since the Favre saga. The start of the season changes nothing. It does mean the return of Sean Salisbury, Lee Corso, and all the other great football minds to fill us with oodles of inside information. Instead of seeing comprehensive highlights of the Brewers taking on the Cardinals, ESPN will show us Jessica Simpson in a skybox and hold a ten minute, round-table debate with five analysts on whether or not her attendance causes Tony Romo to wet his pants in nervousness. I'll probably end up watching a lot of the British sports news this fall that I get on Fox Soccer Channel. I don't understand a lick of cricket or care to watch highlights from the dog track, but at least it's not filled with talking heads regurgitating the same information over and over. I know I'm in the minority, but football bores me. Other than the occasional great tackle or spectacular catch, it's painfully repetitive. I dread the day baseball ends and all I'm left with is soccer until the spring when basketball and hockey heat up. If the Gophers play well (which won't happen) or the Bears contend (which won't happen with bearded, drunk Orton at the helm), I'll watch a little football. Most likely you'll find me on Saturday and Sunday watching some top class soccer or a hotly contested pennant race. Or I could go outside and enjoy the beautiful fall weather with its changing foliage. We'll see how comfortable our new couch is. That will be a major factor. Now feel free to make fun of soccer. I know all you football lovers are itching to.

Now for some quick thoughts...

-After taking the first two from the Angels in Anaheim, the Twins have dropped their last four, two of them coming in Seattle against the lowly Mariners. They've lost even though their starting rotation has pitched adequately. Once again the bullpen has blown some leads, but the real fault is with the hitting who have not come through against the poor Mariners rotation. It's on Tim Pawlenty if the Twins have a bad roadtrip and miss the playoffs. Boo RNC!

-Pineapple Express is an entertaining, funny movie mostly because of James Franco. Hilarious in the under appreciated Freaks and Geeks as the stoner burnout Daniel Desario, Franco is able to show off his comedic talent again as the perpetually stoned pot dealer who finds himself on the run when one of his customers witnesses a murder and drags him into the ordeal. Franco's character will go down with Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused and Sean Penn in Fastimes at Ridgemont High as one of the greatest movie stoners.

-Who's excited for the English Premier League? Arsenal! Chelsea! Man Utd! Hull City! After two weeks the table is already screwed up. Hull City, a team in the top flight for the first time in their existence, is undefeated with a win and a tie. They were expected to challenge Derby County (big shoutout to Derby, Mr. Fyfe's number one team) as the worst team in Premier League history. Tottenham is looking more like Derby after losing at home to Sunderland and at Middlesborough, two middle of the road teams. When you spend nearly fifty million pounds on players, I don't think you should be at the foot of the table. It should be an exciting season as there will be many teams vying for European spots and many trying to save themselves from relegation.

-Did anybody understand the last paragraph?

-All you can eat chicken tenders is a great idea. Thank you Applebee's. Not only were they delicious, but the waitress gave me a second order without asking and a box for me to take home the extras. Olive Garden never lets me have a to go box during the never ending pasta bowl. I want five bowls of pasta and five to go boxes please.

The Long and Winding Road Trip

Here are some of the home/road splits for the Twins pitching staff this season. Scary stuff.

Home ERA - 3.28, 3rd in AL
Road ERA - 5.43, 13th in AL

Home BAA - .256, 7th in AL
Road BAA - .299, 14th in AL

Home WHIP - 1.23, 4th in AL
Road WHIP - 1.52, 11th in AL

Home Win/Loss - 46-23
Road Win/Loss - 26-31

The Twins play 24 of their next 30 games on the road. The opposition includes the two best teams in the AL, the Tampa Bay Rays and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Just call yourself the California Angels, it would be easier. Thankfully there are teams like the Mariners, A's, and Indians on upcoming trips. The Twins are in the midst of playing seventeen games in seventeen days with the last eleven on the road. Beginning tonight in Anaheim, the next eleven games will be a huge indication of the Twins staying power in the playoff race. If the Twins are able to win five or six of these upcoming games, it will be a success. Hopefully the White Sox won't role off a ten game winning streak over the next two weeks.

Winning on the road is doable. The Twins hitters have been consistently good in all ballparks this season. They have the second best road batting average in the American League and the fifth best on-base percentage. Only teams with monster lineups like the Red Sox and Rangers have hit better on the road. The pressure all falls squarely on the pitching staff. A 5.43 earned run average on the road is pitiful. It would be easy and fun to blame Livan Hernandez for the poor road numbers. He was awful. But every pitcher in the rotation has worse numbers on the road. Glen Perkins has the highest home ERA in the rotation at 3.91. The best road ERA in the rotation is 4.40, belonging to Kevin Slowey. You know you have problems on the road when every pitchers road ERA is worse than the fifth starters home ERA. The bullpen has been poor on the road as well. All you need to do is Google Matt Guerrier and look at his splits. Where's Latroy Hawkins when you need him?

Tonight Scott Baker takes the mound against one of the best pitchers in the game, John Lackey. A victory would be a great surprise in the morning and the perfect way to start off the road trip. A seven inning outing from Baker would be the right tone to set for the rest of the rotation. The Twins season hangs in the balance on this road trip, and winning on the road boils down to the pitching. If the pitching chokes, the White Sox might watch the Twins fade in their rear view mirror. If the pitching kills, the Twins will be gaining on the White Sox faster than T. Rex gained on Jeff Goldblum. This time, T. Rex will eat Jeff Goldblum.